He is not taking any chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I Just can’t take that chance!

Putting your affairs in order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination,
sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best
put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk
into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.
I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually
approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious
as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of them sleeping with your father after
I'm gone.'

Now, that's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

A woman's Tear

"A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman , " s he told him.

"I don't understand , " he said. His Mom just hugged him and said , "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father , "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason , " was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry...

Finally he decided to call to some very respectable uncle. When imam got on the phone , he asked , "Brother, why do women cry so easily?"

he said:
"When God made the woman she had to be special.

He made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

He gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

He gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up , and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

He gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances , even when her child has hurt her very badly
He gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

He gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, He gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son, "he said , "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.

Having Children


GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)


To those of us who have children in our lives,
Whether they are our own,
Grandchildren,
Nieces,
Nephews,
Or students...
Here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
You can take comfort from the thought that
Even God's had challenges with His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T !"





"Don't what ?"
Adam replied.


"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit !"




" No Way ! "


"Yes way! "

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
Said God.


"Why? "


"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
Wondering why He hadn't stopped
Creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
And He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked..




"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you ? "
Said the Father.

"I don't know,"
Said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too ! "

"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
Should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.



BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
Don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
What makes you think it would be
A piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
Teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
The next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
For not killing your own children.

3 . Mothers of teens now know why
Some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact, they usually repeat word for word
What you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
Is to remind yourself that there are children
More awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
But they are still getting in.






ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
Nursing home one day.


AND FINALLY:


IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:






"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

A good and civil way to have a fight instead of physically....

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys
like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in a cage but laughing at you

Old Is Gold

TO CALL THE POLICE

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was
going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should
lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"